Judgy Mommy Can’t Be A Sister in Struggle | by Jaclyn Lanae

[Apologies, there is no audio this week. Internet at isolated Midwestern mosther's home is not best.]

Each day, it seems, the revolution in which we stand continues to draw back the curtain on the reality of what is, and has been, going on behind the scenes for centuries. Sometimes not even behind the scenes. Sometimes right out there on stage with spotlights shining on terrible actors doing terrible things. As we look on from the stunned audience one thing becomes crystal clear: we need to be rebuilding. 

Of course there are millions of us already doing that work. Women and allies that have been doing that re-building work – since time immemorial, it feels, on certain particularly dark days. And there are millions more, masters of the necessary destruction, who are doing their work right alongside the builders. We may be working in different contexts, perhaps even for different reasons, but we are coalesced behind a unifying cause: take down the patriarchy. Lift women into a place of (at least) equal standing in a better world; restore all our rights to our bodies, our lives, and our identities; create a world in which healthy, respectful humans can thrive. 

The social and collective challenge before us is clear. But there’s a slightly less obvious, sub-terra shift that has to come first. We have to create space to come together. We have to open ourselves and our communities up to different kinds of feminists and allies that are fighting for the same fundamental cause. And buried in that challenge is an invitation — to do a little Soul Crafting. 

All over the world countless women… women in women-only spaces… women in women-only spaces that are fighting FOR women, no less - find themselves  fighting with each other instead. And the resulting splinters are diluting our effectiveness. Time and energy spent on deciding what constitutes a feminist, what behaviors are and aren’t acceptable, how women are allowed to show up in these spaces could be far better used to discuss how we win against the establishment. Discussions about whether or not a woman can have plastic surgery or wear makeup or whether her skirt is too short are trite and distracting. We can balance practical realities with political seriousness: women moving toward us are necessarily moving out of spaces where performing trad-fem or even alt-trad-fem was required. 

As my sister Gorgon, Victoria, has discussed in some of our podcasts, we are alienating new feminists and allies to the cause. Most disturbing of all, these internal conflicts are contaminating our message and mis-directing our focus in a way that creeps dangerously close to a variation on the patriarchal dictations of womanhood and femininity that we’re all fighting against. And that truth hints at the unspoken “something else” that might be going on underneath it all. Perhaps these unspoken, even unacknowledged and unconscious desires to control other women are actually rooted in our own un-healed traumas. Specifically, the Mother Wound. 

Last month we talked about those moments in women’s spaces when we feel friction with another woman, and the associated message the Universe might be sending us through the mirror of that interaction.

We talked about the reality that we might feel judgemental or superior as a cover for feelings of envy. Perhaps we are carrying an unacknowledged shame that we aren’t as “good” as we perceive another woman to be, or that we feel a sense of guilt that we aren’t as successful, or several of a thousand other scenarios when in truth, we’re actually pissed at racist capitalism and patriarchy for creating systems and standards designed to keep us envious, shameful, and guilty. Deep down, many of us are pissed at the fact that it feels dangerous to be the wild, free, shameless versions of ourselves that we really want to be. We’re devastated by the fact that it feels dangerous because it is.

But our world, our society, isn’t just dangerous because of patriarchal, religious, and capitalistic systems and ideologies. Our personal experiences and belief systems play a significant role in the way we allow ourselves to show up in the world, and the way we do (or don’t) support other women in doing so. 

We all have trauma either passed down from our caregivers, or created by our caregivers (whether intentional or not). Father wounds (often referenced as “daddy issues”) and Mother wounds are among the most common (though of course these are not necessarily traumas that came to us through our biological mothers or fathers). A brief reflection on the ideology that permeated the world our mothers were raised in, and the societal priorities of the world in which they were mothering, provides a pretty clear answer to the question, “why are so many of us, particularly women, suffering with mother wounds?” It may also offer some insight into why women struggle to be and create safety for each other.

The particulars of our wounding are unique, but they have conditions and effects in common. The mother wound is created from an environment in which the emotional and/or spiritual aspects of a child’s life are untended, shamed, or wholly ignored. For whatever reason, mom might have been there to feed and clothe and care for the body, but not the inner world. Sound familiar?

In our mother’s world, where her value was (is still!!!) largely defined by her role - the quality of the job she did raising her children - and measured in her obedience and conformity, it’s no wonder the mother wound is so prevalent. And since emotional connection, care, and support were largely unheard of and certainly not prioritized in the context of parenting, it’s no surprise that many of us were well-kept alive but with a yawning vacuum in the emotional well-being center of our lives.

This translates into a reality in which we aren’t fundamentally convinced of our worth, we lack the tools to understand and navigate our emotions (which can create a fear of authentically expressed emotions - both ours and others’), we fear being imperfect, and feel a desperate need to be authentically loved (among many other expressions), or to show other women how right and experienced we are by pressuring other women to conform to our values, or by triangulating against women we feel are “not feminist enough”.

According to The Attachment Project, “The reason why the mother wound has such a profound effect on us in childhood and later in life is that it plants seeds of doubt in our minds about our worth, trust in others, and safety in the world around us.”

We might tend to doubt ourselves, we might tend to distrust other women, and therefore both fear their control of us, while simultaneously feeling a need to control them in order to feel safe. All of which perfectly plays into patriarchy’s desire to keep women distracted and disconnected by policing each other rather than uniting against the real threat.

Holding space for each other, then, particularly when we have beliefs that differ, will be powerfully supported by first seeking to heal ourselves, our mother wound, so that we are not coming from a walled-off space of defensiveness or superiority. So that no matter what others think or do, and no matter what they think about us, our value is secure.

Before we go any further, however, I want to be clear: healing ourselves so we can embrace different perspectives does not mean opening space for people whose intention is to harm us or limit our power and freedom. Healing does not require that we make ourselves vulnerable to those with whom our safety is in question.

What I’m addressing here is healing ourselves in order to help heal the fissures that are cracking the solidity – and solidarity – of the empowered feminist movements. And I think the invitation in that quest for those of us willing to take it on, is to do a little Soul Crafting (⁠◠⁠‿⁠◕⁠) To draw back the curtain on ourselves and investigate what we’re really feeling. And why. To give ourselves the emotional and spiritual support, guidance, nurturing, and care our mothers couldn’t give us. To heal. Even, hopefully, to help heal each other. 

It’s the kind of work that can bring peace to our personal lives, and provide an unshakable foundation for the growth and empowerment of women’s spaces. (Incidentally, it’s also the kind of work that we will do in the Soul Craft channel of the Medusa Rising Discord server. So feel free to join us there and let us know what kind of support would serve you best.)

Creating space for women to show up as exactly who we  are and how we want to be in the world, safely, is going to be a long process. And I can’t believe we will achieve that goal for each other by limiting and judging how other women show up in the world – or in our movement. Rather, I think we do it by fiercely protecting and defending our sisters and cousins and allies who are showing up exactly the way they want to (as long as they aren’t intentionally hurting others), knowing they will protect our right to do the same.

The truth is, taking down the patriarchy does not mean controlling men. We can’t control men. It’s really hard to control other adult humans, and it’s a violation of their sovereignty. We aren’t going to make men see us as more valuable by covering ourselves more, or being less “pretty” or “alternative,” or working harder. Men have been abusive and extractive of women for centuries regardless of what women wore (or didn’t); what women’s bodies looked like; what was our role in society. Men will behave that way until they learn respect for life and see us as sacred beings as embedded in that life as they are. 

Changing the way men believe about and treat us begins with our belief about ourselves - and our projection and embodiment of that belief. We do that by showing up as our most brilliant, self-expressed, authentic selves; giving their beliefs and expectations about us as little of our energy and attention as possible (while still maintaining enough awareness to stay safe); and celebrating other feminists and yet-to-be-feminists for showing up too. 

Because at the end of the day, don’t we want more warriors and allies?

Ultimately, policing women to control what patriarchy - and men - are doing to them, is still policing women for men. Men have to be the ones to change. Men have to be held responsible. 

Of course I’m not pretending that we currently live in a world where that will always happen. But I do think that things are shifting in that direction. More slowly than we want them to, of course, but they are shifting. And we can support that change by creating more space for more embodied and wholly expressed women in our circles.

Our job, as I see it, is to cease orienting our behaviors around men, what we think they want or don’t; what we think they’ll do or won’t, and just be our biggest, most brilliant, uniquely expressed, embodied selves. Our job is to orient toward our authenticity, and fiercely protect the authenticity of our friends, sisters, cousins, nieces, daughters, and allies however they choose to express it, without judgment. Our job is to find ways to connect with, support, and protect each other, despite our differences and throw up the middle finger to the opinions and perceptions of men.

Our job is to step onto center stage, into the spotlight of our own lives (at least). To be as close as possible to impervious to the heckling of errant patriarchal audience members. And to proudly showcase the power inherent in simply being who we really are.

If you’re in the fight to protect women’s rights and you support the empowerment of women, as far as I’m concerned, you’re in. I don’t care if you wear makeup or have had your whole body sculpted by plastic surgery; I don’t care if you are a stay-at-home mom or your favorite dress is made of cling wrap; I don’t care if you have a 6-figure monthly income from your own business or you sell pictures of your feet online. We need you. I need you to help me protect my right to be and dress and act however I want because that is a lot of what liberty means and I’ll do the same for you. 

If you happen to be a paying subscriber, I’ll be elaborating on the “hows” of this work in bonus posts and the Soul Craft Circle of the Medusa Rising Discord channel. If you would like to become a paying member and get all those perks (plus many others), join us here.

Jaclyn Lanae is an embodiment coach, author, and freelance writer who came to this work the long way—through experience, loss, and repair. She writes for people in moments of transition, helping them move forward without self-abandonment in love, conflict, & change. Follow her on Substack at jaclynlanae.substack.com or connect at AuthorJaclynLanae.com.

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