Soul Craft

Being & Sistering in a Motherless World | by Jaclyn Lanae

Pythias & Tiamats | A ferocious and tenacious little spark

I must have re-written the start of this essay at least eleven times. “April was the hardest month…”, “2026 has been the hardest…”, “the last two years have been the worst…” “since 2016 we’ve struggled…”

The bad news comes in waves, like it always has, but lately it seems the waters are shifting. Rather than just coming, the waves are building. Each bigger and wider and more damaging than the last. Each spawned from deeper beneath the surface, from a place in the ocean that is darker and scarier than we had believed possible. Battered by the assault of patriarchy and broken men, we cling desperately to the ever-eroding shoreline and what little firm footing we might have, fully aware that the storm may pass, but the ocean will not suddenly cease to exist.

This is a Motherless world, one in which there is no responsibility or accountability to the mother — the earth, the goddess, or the woman — and unaware, disconnected men run about taking whatever they want. One in which women are demonized and oppressed, and men are told they have no real responsibility — after all, you can’t control the ocean.

Being & Sistering in a Motherless World | by Jaclyn Lanae

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But the loss of the mother, the goddess, the divine feminine in our world, in our cultures, in our relationships and lives and bodies, is not irrecoverable. In fact, we carry an inherent and perpetual power in us, a ferocious and tenacious little spark, held and protected in our hearts and our bodies, ready to set off a firestorm that will turn the waves to vapor. We will burn it all down, knowing full well that the charred remains will be the fertile ground we need to build the world anew.

Our most important job then, is to nurture and protect that spark. Whether it fires us to political action or to a quieter but equally powerful personal shift, it is the essential element that will keep us alive and fighting.

Perhaps one of the great tragedies of living in the apocalyptic reality in which we find ourselves is that so many of us are just barely hanging on as it is. We hardly have the energy to peel ourselves out of bed in the morning. The thought of checking our news outlet carries the kind of silent terror that comes with glancing outside to see a tsunami approaching. “Protecting our spark” sounds like the insouciant homework of a capricious new-age studies student.

For this reason — and many others — we need a sisterhood.

Socially, economically, environmentally, yes — we need a mother. A system founded in love and care that nurtures and assigns accountability; an entity or belief system or collective that fiercely protects and tirelessly surveys.

Personally, and familiarly, however, we need a sisterhood. We need women who come together to support one another — not with a perspective of superiority in wisdom or knowledge, not with an established belief about what we should do or how we should be… We need women whose only concern is protection for us while we explore who we are. We need a collective that celebrates differences, lifts each other up, and seeks freedom and joy for one another. We need a coven to share the tools and protect our sparks together.

These are the tools that will help us do that work.

Stillness

Metaphoric or otherwise, the smaller a flame, the more stillness it needs to survive. Our constant rushing around our lives is the emotional and spiritual equivalent of trying to find your way in a sandstorm. So find a way to give yourself some stillness. Close the door to your bedroom. Post up on a park bench. Sit in your car (parked and off, of course). Set a timer if you want and give yourself (or make yourself take) two minutes. No phone. No list making. No reading. Meditate, if you like, but the goal here is to just be in stillness for two minutes. Settle your body, tell your mind it can relax for a minute, focus on your breath, and imagine your whole body relaxing for two whole minutes. If that feels like too long, start with 30 seconds and work your way up.

Keep Feeling

When we’re wounded and the hits just keep coming, our body’s natural protective mechanism is to escape the abuse. And if we can’t do that, we often simply disassociate. Not only is this unsafe for our bodies (and energetic bodies), it normalizes the pain and the abuse. As much as you safely can, keep feeling. As gently as possible. Slow down and simply notice sensations in your body. If you’re folding laundry, do it slowly, and notice how each piece of fabric feels. If you’re making food, taste every spice and really notice how your body responds. If you’re going for a walk, pay attention to the way the air smells. Maybe stop and touch a tree, and notice the texture and temperature and smell and look of the bark. Lay on your couch and trace your fingers over your hands or forearms. Notice how lovely touch and feeling can be.

On a bigger scale, if it feels safe and comfortable for you, allow yourself to feel. Of course, there are contexts in which it isn’t safe (socially or otherwise) to fully express yourself, but making space to exhaust emotion physically can be exceptionally cathartic. Connect yourself to a moment you felt an emotion you weren’t allowed to express and then find a way to get it out. Go for a drive and scream at the top of your lungs. Buy some old pillows from the thrift store and beat on them until you’re exhausted. Push your lungs and muscles just a little bit. Participate in your favorite solo sport and imagine all the anger or sadness or resentment or shame or whatever pouring out of you through your sweat glands. Let it flow through you, and out. Allow yourself to feel the way ease fills that space.

Reinforce Our Being-ness

News like that which we’ve all had to take in and process over the last few weeks, months, and even years reduces us to tools. Tools for the patriarchy, for men, for raising children or keeping homes… but we are so much more.

Take up a daily (or weekly) journal practice. Or fill a wall of your bathroom with sticky notes. Write out all the little ways that you are unique and special. All the ways you are human. Not the things you’ve accomplished or the things the world sees, but the things that make you, you. A precious being, not a doer.

The way your fingers are shaped, the funny way you crinkle your nose when you smile, your love of dystopian fantasy, your secret affinity for lace gloves, the fact that one boob is cockeyed, the truth that the smell of fish makes you remember your grandfather… try to come up with at least 20 things and then put them in a place where you’ll read them once in a while. Remind yourself that you are so much more than your role in your family or your workplace or your community or the social system. You are not a tool, you are a fascinating human.

Forgive Ourselves for Our Human-ness

Whether conditioned by the patriarchy, religious dogma, or even familial constructs, it seems the default state of being for most women is one of shame. We carry some expectation of perfection, whether self-inflicted or otherwise, and that perception very nearly obligates us to perpetually feel insufficient - at least.

There is so much support and liberation in seeing our mis-steps, accepting our shortcomings, and honoring ourselves anyway. We’re not flawed - we’re human. We’re not making mistakes, we’re experimenting with who we are and how we want to be in the world. And more likely than not, our efforts are not going to land the way we wanted them to, or take us to the place we wanted to be, or have the result we hoped for. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, the way it “went wrong” might actually be the reason everything works out in the end.

Ultimately, we can’t know how our actions will play out, and we have to be able to forgive ourselves for the way we did - or didn’t - act. We have to forgive ourselves for people-pleasing, and for being selfish; for making ourselves the hero in our story, and the villian in someone else’s; for the way we poorly carried the responsibility for our choices, and the way we way we poorly protected ourselves and our power. Forgiving ourselves reminds us that we’re human - and it helps us to maintain connection with other experimenting humans.

Find Laughter

Laughter really is medicine. The act of laughing sets off all kinds of marvelous chemical reactions that I won’t get into here, but suffice it to say, it’s good for your body, your brain, your mood, and your relationships. So give yourself a laughter break. Watch some funny cat videos or your favorite cheesy rom-com. Go to a comic theater performance. Read your favorite comic author.

Be Outside & Active Outside, if you can

One of the many ways we’ve all been made motherless is by the intentional and systematic disconnection from our one true, universal mother: nature. The very air around us is filled with all kinds of nurturing spores and microbes and other good-for-you stuff. The act of walking barefoot in the grass literally releases pent-up electrical charges from your body into the soil. Sunlight is full of vitamins. We know: being active and being outside are good for you - because you’re a BEING.

Carve out five minutes to spend outdoors. Walk to the grocery store or coffee shop. Stop by a park on the way home from work. Cook dinner in the backyard. Go for a walk with the kids. Have your morning coffee on the porch.

Connect with Other Women

There is so much healing to be had in togetherness. Even if we disagree on some matters, we agree on many others. Find a way to be with other women. If you already have a robust group of friends, make time to get together. Bonus points if you do it outside. Make a point of reminding each other of your beingness, your uniqueness. It doesn’t have to be a formal “sharing circle”. Write a little appreciation for one of your favorite women and leave it in her bathroom drawer or discretely tuck it away in her purse or jacket pocket.

If you want to take this exercise to a whole other level, consider doing this exercise with a woman who is not one of your favorites. You don’t have to tell her to her face or give her your little slips of paper. But simply taking some time to acknowledge that even the women who don’t feel like kindred spirits have value will help to strengthen our resistance to the constant effort of patriarchy to divide and conquer us. Not to mention the fact that actively trying to see the good in others, especially when we don’t necessarily or easily like them, helps to keep our empathy “muscles” toned. It also helps us to see ourselves with patience and compassion when we are less than perfect.

There are few things that will undo the patriarchy as quickly as grounded and connected women. We have to cultivate these skills in order to make that reality.

Jaclyn Lanae is an author, spiritual pragmatist, and embodiment coach who came to this work through the rough and tumble education of loss and repair. She’s authored a couple of books on the decadent art of making mistakes and her part of her story was featured in an independent documentary. She writes and works for women reclaiming autonomy in love, identity, and self expression, and her work is available at JaclynLanae.Substack.com and at authorjaclynlanae.com

Want more? Prefer to craft your soul on your own? We get it.
Jaclyn's book and workbook MAKE YOURSELF MAGIC can be purchased anytime you'd like to dive in.

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