Toxic Positivity, Spiritual By-Passing, & Emotional First Aid | by Jaclyn Lanae

Over in the spiritual, woo-woo circles of the world a bit of a shift has been brewing. A rebellion, even. And while it has its roots in personal, inner-world work, I think the message easily carries to the broader world. To us all.

Something of a wave of spirituality has been washing over us since the mid-1900s. A couple of waves, really. The first came in the 60s when the idea that emotions have real value began to gain traction, and the second began lapping at our collective social consciousness in the early and mid 2000s when science began to reinforce the idea that we have some conscious control over our minds - and that leveraging that control effects real change in our brains, bodies, lives, and relationships. 

Dramatically oversimplifying the point, countless wellness advocates across myriad media and schools of thought effectively pronounced “being and feeling positive” as key to successful lives. Perhaps even successful communities. And they are not wrong. The way that consciously changing our neural pathways can change our brains and literally redefine aspects of our reality feels like nothing short of magic. Just ask someone who has had an “awakening” about the subjugation and abuse of women. Once your brain processes that information the whole world feels different. You feel different in it. Even your body might feel different. The same thing is true for an “awakening” around choosing to see abundance or gratitude, or connecting to yourself in nature, or suddenly seeing what’s really going on in a relationship. Your awareness changes, your thoughts change, your brain changes, your perception of reality changes, your participation in reality changes… Yes, there is power in “positive” thinking and seeking to feel “good” things; peace, joy, love.

However for many - myself included, in the early stages of my personal and professional spiritual evolution - this laser-sharp focus on the “good” also translated into the sense that we weren’t allowed to have “bad”. That “negative” thoughts or feelings should be ignored or forced to change into something “good”. In a phrase: toxic positivity. 

Based on the fact that searches for that term have doubled over the last half-decade, I think it’s safe to say a great many of us have been dealing with some iteration of this.

The problem, of course, is not the positivity in and of itself. As we’ve explored in previous essays, leveraging the power of neuroplasticity and setting our brains up to be more resilient and default to more optimistic and successful outcomes in our lives is undeniably valuable. Of course we want to use optimism and positivity and kindness and love and “good” perspectives and emotions to build out our perception of reality. 

The problem with toxic positivity is that it leaves so little space for the other emotions. The “negative” ones. Which are, of course, also important ones. 

Those of you that follow me over on Sex, Love, and the Self already know that my current iteration of contending with these ideas has come in the context of a personal attack on me and my work. Namely, my mother’s concern about how she and my father might be perceived by others because of the book I’ve just published, Fuhk Your Way. They aren’t actually discussed in the book in any way, but for them, the theoretic impact was very real and they responded to that perceived threat by attacking me. 

The Mother Wound, lanced and fully exposed. 

As I discussed last month, some efforts were made to bandage over the wound. An apology was made. Forgiveness was granted. But for me, that wound was not cleaned, and it certainly has not healed. 

I’ve seen my mother a couple of times since, and the first time she tried to hug me my whole body bristled; a visceral reaction that proclaimed loudly “I do not feel safe.” The first time we talked on the phone she asked about my life, my other (less offensive) work and I responded, but only just. I gave her no access to the details of my life, no opening for a deeper connection. A tiny little part of me wanted to. The part of me that wanted to be free of the discomfort. To pretend my way back into feeling accepted and respected, the way I had always done before. But I just couldn’t. I couldn’t make myself abandon my inner child, my soul-self, yet again; to push myself into a space and relationship that feels… unstable. Dangerous.

I would wager that for many of us, the scenario has a familiar ring. Person A is threatened by the liberation, empowerment, freedom, success… whatever… of Person B and Person A responds by attacking Person B. The same basic scenario also often plays out when Person A is confronted with some responsibility for damage they inflicted on Person B.

The deeper issue is that like so many of us, Person A - in this case, my mother - was never given an emotional first-aid kit. Very few of us - and likely even fewer of our mothers, aunts, grandmothers, etc… were ever taught or supported in facing and feeling and processing “negative” emotions. So when we are hurt by feelings like fear or insecurity or jealousy or powerlessness, we have no real recourse; no tools to deal with that pain. In lieu of another option, many go on the offensive, blame someone else, and inflict damage. Which, of course, leaves the other person -me, in this scenario - feeling all kinds of “negative” things too: anger, indignation, defensiveness, self-righteousness. Notably, all the same things I’m sure my mother felt. 

If we’re honest, I imagine that most of us have been both of these people at some point in our lives. The work here is not to figure out how to never be these people. We are all occasionally besieged by “negative” emotions and we all occasionally mis-express or poorly deal with them. Feeling these emotions is an integral part of our humanity. The craft is embracing these feelings. Acknowledging, accepting, and allowing ourselves to fully experience them; ideally, without splattering them all over others

The sacredness of the craft is finding the value in these “negative” emotions. 

Appreciating them. Loving them even. 

Because the truth is understanding why my mother treated me so terribly has helped me forgive, but it does not mean that everything is ok. It doesn’t mean that the relationship is healed. I’ve recognized that forgiveness does not mean I am obligated to a relationship. Neither does it mean that I’m only supposed to feel “good” things now. Because the other truth is that the “negative” things I’m feeling are still quite valid and valuable. In fact, they are helping to keep me safe.

All our feelings are a part of who we are. We can love our fiery temper and also seek to improve ourselves so that we don’t channel it in a way that’s harmful to others. We can love our sadness and also work to seek out joy. We can love our defensiveness and practice knowing that if we love who we are, there is no need to defend.

Not incidentally, this is exactly what an upcoming virtual workshop will address. Women who gather with me will be building a personalized emotional first-aid kit and learn to both nurture ourselves through feeling difficult things, and how to re-direct the energy.

So much of the trauma we inflict on each other comes from deep, sometimes ancient, wounding. Social, familial, generational wounding. But the good news is that we will be so much more effective when we learn to clean and care for those wounds, and we’ll be so much less likely to continue wounding each other. 

After what happened with my mother - and perhaps particularly because this was one of the more extreme episodes - my initial anger helped me to create distance. And while I realize that my emotional distance suggests to my mother that I am still angry, I have worked through my emotional first-aid kit to realize that it isn’t anger that I’m feeling. Not anymore. What I feel now is sadness, a sense of mourning for the fantasy that I so desperately hoped for, for so long. I’ve long known it was a fantasy but I clung to it anyway, because it was comfortable - for everybody but me.

Inside my sadness is a clarity. I have yearned for a real distance and separation for years. Decades even. But after every fit of shaming and emotional abuse; after every hollow “well I guess if that bothered you so much, I’m sorry” apology, I went back. To pretending. To calling. To showing up for Sunday brunch. To sharing details of my personal life. Every time I went back because I thought I had to. Because she once played a very important role in my life. THE important role in my life. Because she was Mom.

This time, however, my sadness was so deep; the pain was profound enough, that I can finally draw a line. I can finally acknowledge that her title does not entitle her to treat me this way and then expect things to just go back to normal. I can finally acknowledge that I am allowed to draw a boundary in the interest of my emotional and psychological wellness. My sadness was so deep that something changed. Finally, something genuinely changed: I changed.

I am not interested in cultivating a closeness. I don’t trust her to treat me with respect, and I love myself too much to invest in a relationship with someone that repeatedly damages me so intentionally. Someone who regards me so poorly. 

But I am not held captive by my feelings. I do not harbor ill will or anger or even sadness towards her. I don’t feel a desire to shame or blame. I am at peace with my feelings and my decisions. And that, for me, is where my work - my self - has become sacred. 

I hope to teach the skills gained in this experience to other women that we may all hold boundaries of respect for ourselves out of self love and so with no need to defend, to remain attached to harm and harmful people.

If you’d like to pre-register for the Emotional First Aid workshop, please respond to the poll to help us choose a date that works for as many of us as possible and I’ll be in touch with further details and to secure your place.

Pick-A-Date Poll for Emotional First Aid Workshop

Please let us know your availability and preferences for the upcoming virtual workshop.

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Jaclyn Lanae is an author, podcaster, and coach supporting all people, and particularly women, empower themselves in transformation. She has created a life - and career - unapologetically in utter defiance of the establishment… and a good many “concerned parties”. Her latest book, the memoir-manifesto F*hk Your Way highlights the many ways women are systematically subjugated through hilarious, devastating, and ultimately liberating tales of romantic disaster, dismantling the fairytale we’ve been sold and proposing something far more revolutionary: What if women re-oriented to their own pleasure?

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